Another week

Well, I lost zero this week. I fell off the wagon a couple days, and it showed.

But,I feel good about this coming week. See you Tuesday!

Week 1

Today was weight watchers week 1 weigh in. Drumroll please...

252.6 (down 6.4)

I'm impressed. I think the WW is helping because I'm actively thinking about what I'm putting in my body. My activity is increased, but I'm not running yet, just walking. I think I'll start some running this week. But, yay for week one weigh in!

Fuck.

Yeah. I got on a scale today. It isn't good. I finally looked in the mirror today. It isn't good. I realized that the reason my new shirts were comfortable is that I'm buying bigger sizes.

Today, I weigh 259lbs.

I am not OK with that. I joined weight watchers for men. Today is not a proud day for me.

Fuck.

Ok, I'm impressed.

I'm not easily impressed by food. I'm not a food critic. I love comfort food. I love when people cook for me. I went to culinary school, I worked in great kitchens, I now manage at a restaurant that makes fantastic food. I know food. But, I know fat and calories and cream and all things bad for you. I won't tell you how much butter we use at the restaurant in a week. But, you can't eat like that all the time.

As I'm slowly (very slowly) getting back into shape, I'm trying to eat an overall healthier diet. I'm not perfect at all, never will be. My background in food explains why. I love food.

Last week a friend of mine introduced me to a website named skinnytaste.com. I just finished making my third item from the site and I'm shocked. No really, I'm shocked. This woman is amazing. I don't know how to cook healthy. She does. For me, cooking healthy has always meant losing flavor or texture. Mouth feel is so important. It has to taste good or I'll never eat it.

Her recipes are good to go. I made her cajun chicken pasta today. It looks like a cream sauce. Your mouth will think it's a cream sauce. But there is no cream. None. Not even just less. None. Impressive.

Check it out. Eat better. Feel better. But, don't sacrifice taste because you'll never stick to it unless it is good. Keep on getting better every day.

Skinnytaste.com

Pictured is the salad I made from the site a couple days ago. So good.

Things really are getting better every day

So, a couple months ago, I had the I Am Here revelation, It's been good. I really think that it has changed my attitude. Sure, I have days still where things get to me, but I'm in a better place. I've been working out more, but still not in a good rhythm. I've got a plan to do a half marathon in April, and then a half iron in September. My official training for the half marathon starts in a couple weeks. I'm scared. I've never just run that far. I did it once int he half iron in 09, but I walked most of that. It's going to kick my butt. But, I'm getting in shape. I've lost 5 pounds since November, and that's mainly just changing what I'm putting in my body. I have only had 2 beers since December 28, and I'm sure that's a lot of it. For those that don't know, I drank a lot. I'm sure my roommates were convinced I had a problem, but as evidenced by my own willingness to quit and lack of desire to have a drink, it was under control. I haven't really wanted to drink. The 2 beers were with a group of friends. But, that's not the point of this. I'm still here. I'm getting better. I think less. Life is good.

You Are Here.

So, today I went for a walk in the woods. I needed this walk. I've been putting it off for way too long. This walk is the walk that I needed to restart myself. Not just my training, but me.

I'm in a funk. This is the worst funk I've been in in a long time. Those who know about my funks, know, Those who don't, talk to me more, I'll tell you about my funks. I don't know why I get into these funks, but I do. Things aren't bad. I have a job that I like, I have friends, I have my primal human needs met, but I just want more. I don't even know what it is. But I want it.

I stopped exercising. Just stopped. No good reason. I work the same amount, but I blame it on work. Then my back started hurting. Sweet! I can't run - for my back! Yeah, so it's been a while. And I've put weight back on. I weighed in at 246 this morning. I'm not too happy about it. I feel tired and lethargic again. All this things that I didn't like before. Why does it always end up here? Fuck.

So, I went for a walk. I took no one, not even Fred. I told 3 people about it, left a note for the roomies so if I didn't make it home they could send a search party and have some clue where to start. I just wanted to get out.

It started off as any other jaunt through the woods would. My mind still racing from all the things I'm trying to get away from. Then it slowed down. Not the walk, but the thoughts. Each breath of clean air pushed more negativity out. Now we're getting somewhere. And then it happened.

3 words. You. Are. Here.

We know what it means, it's a handy note on maps so we know where to start. This one pointed out the 3 different ways you could go on this path. But, it's what I needed to read. You Are Here.

I smiled.

Duh, of course I am. And I'm fucking happy about it. No wait, I am here. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. No, not referring to the actual place in the woods, I'm exactly where I am because I'm not supposed to be where I think I'm supposed to be yet. Too deep? Keep reading.

I've often escaped to Cloudland Canyon over my years. I refer to it as my favorite place in the state. I've been there to camp, to hike, and to get away. I've been for good times and bad times. I went on my 25th birthday. I called it my quarter life crisis. I was 25, recently divorced, in the middle of a major career change. I had no fucking clue where I was or where I was going. I remember that trip vividly even though I took no pictures. It was really cold that year, and so the canyon was covered in ice from the splash of the falls. I sat there for a long time and listened to the ice and the falls.

Today, today was different. As I walked away from that map, it dawned on me. I've got to quit thinking. I get into these funks because I'm not where I think I should be. At 25, I thought I should be married, celebrating my birthday with my wife, thinking about starting a family, and loving my career. But, where I was wasn't any of those things, but I Was There. I was where life had guided me to be. Those years were incredibly tough on me. I didn't realize it at the time, but I got scarred hard. But, I made the tough decisions that I had to, and I've ended up here.

For the next mile and a half of my hike, I cried and laughed and thought about how stupid it is for me to try and plan things for my life. Because no matter which way I try and push it, I always end up where I am. And where I am, is where I'm supposed to be. Does that make sense?

Is where I am where I thought I would be? Not in the least. Am I unhappy? Not at all. I love my life. I have more stories than I remember. I lived out of the US, I committed felonies (that's a good story), I've fallen in love, I've been hurt, I've hurt, I've chased dreams, I've changed dreams, I've gone to college, I have amazing friends, I'm finally at a job that I enjoy. But, I'm here. I woke up this morning. I slept in a bed, in a house, I had a hot shower, I ate a good breakfast, I had enough money to fill up my car to drive to the woods, I ate food in the woods, I drove home. Tonight, I will eat again. I really can't complain about anything. I have it so much better than so many people in the world. So what if I don't have the wife, the 2.5 kids, and the white picket fence? When it's time for that, I'll be there. I can't stress or worry about it or even try and position myself towards that. Because something will guide me where I need to be when I'm supposed to be there. I'm not late, it's just not time yet. When it's time, I'll be there.

So, today, I went into the woods. Because I needed a kick start. I have been kicked. Funk is broken. I'm ready to own where I am. Because if you don't own it, it owns you.

I'm rededicating myself to myself today. I won't be drinking, I'm going to start exercising again, but above all else I'm going to love every minute of every day. Because I'm here.

You Are Here.

Well, it is vacation after all...

So, my vacation starts Friday. I'm flying to Texas to cheer for my sister's IronMan and hang with the TX branch of the family and then we're flying back to Mo's house for the rest of the week so I can get some beach time in.

My sister's status this afternoon: "So I got to Texas and my family picked me up and our first stop was the liquor store...this might be a problem". I agree, this might be a problem. But, I'm ok with it. It's vacation. I'm still taking my running shoes with me. I'll go running, right? Yes, I will. But, I'll also have a few drinks too.

No weigh in on vacation, but I'll do one when I get back.

Did I mention I REALLY need this vacation??